Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Baby No More

I won’t ever see my baby again.

This was made clear to me yesterday, as my toddler kicked me in the face as I loaded her into her car seat and fought me while I tried to brush her teeth, sending her toothbrush flying.

I told her I was very sad. That I wanted her to be nice to me, and that I didn’t want to sleep with her that night. My exhaustion level was so high, after a few super physical days at work, and Phoebe in the care of others, which meant she just wanted me (and to nurse all night; some reason I have lost the ability to sleep as she does so). I was burnt out and touched out and so, so tired.

I put her in her toddler bed next to our big family bed and put her soft blanket over her and turned out the light. Her gentle crying was so sad. She had been such a toddler, and I just needed a break.

It occurred to me then: I won’t ever see my baby again. Her soft full baby cheeks are gone.

Her toothless smile is gone.

The rolls on her ankles and elbows and wrists and thighs have lengthened out.

She no longer needs me to move about the house. She sprints.

She can feed herself and requests specific foods.

The snuggles are fewer, and harder with her long legs.

She nurses still, but not the soft baby nursing. It’s comfort for her still, but it’s different and she sighs loudly, “no milk, mama.”

I lay there in bed thinking of how fast these three years have gone and wept. I could not stop the tears. And Phoebe cried too, mostly because she didn’t get what she wanted. 

I invited her into our bed after about 10 minutes, longer than I ever would have separated from her in infancy. 

She said, “Don’t cry mama. It’s ok, sweetheart. Let me wipe your tears.”

And she took her little hand and wiped my wet cheeks. 

Hugged and kissed me. 

Offered me a pickle to make me happy. 

Comforted me for mourning the loss of the baby I once knew.

I let her nurse and she hummed a lullaby I sing to her, one my mama sang to me.

And I realized then... I will feel this loss my whole life, as each new phase comes. I will (maybe) mourn her toddlerhood.

Cry when my little girl becomes a young lady.

Mourn her childhood at her graduations, and wedding, and someday if she becomes a mama, I’ll really cry and say with absolute truth: “Where did my baby go?”

I needed that cry, I now know. And hope to get a good nap in today to revive myself. But I think of the things that I did that made her who she is today... they all stem back to her baby hood.

I comforted her, saying “Don’t cry, baby. Mama’s got you. It’s ok sweetheart. Let me dry your tears. Do you need something?” And snuggled her, nursed her, let her into my bed...sang her an old family lullaby. 

It’s funny how I turned into the baby who needed some love. I have a feeling she’ll keep surprising me, loving me when I need it most, even if it’s her orneriness that made me grumpy in the first place.

Cycles of life. Circles of remembrance. I hope I can remember this phase... I’ll likely be sad when I realize I’ll never see my toddler again.


  1. Condolences with the author's friend!
    Me and XiaoYao Tepken also have a little girl.
    He was sitting in the stroller because he couldn't walk yet.
    hear you tell me I love the baby more. I will cherish every moment with him.

  2. Pieces of art are what a good wooden bed can be referred as in that they enhance the interior decoration of a room with its captivating nature. triple bunk beds

  3. Baby Planet is the first online store of Pakistan. We offer a wide range of baby and kids (up to 12 years of age) products at market effective prices. Doesn’t matter if you are looking to buy diapers for your baby from popular brands like Pampers, Canbebe or want to buy baby skin care products from top brands like Johnsons & Johnson, Mustella, or Pigeon, you can find them at Baby Planet. see here

  4. I am glad you take pride in what you write. This makes you stand way out from many other writers that push poorly written content. website

  5. I think this is one of the most significant information for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But should remark on some general things, The web site style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers 안전놀이터

  6. Very nice article, I enjoyed reading your post, very nice share, I want to twit this to my followers. Thanks!. 바둑이게임

  7. Thanks for the blog loaded with so many information. Stopping by your blog helped me to get what I was looking for. Is-Nrias-teb-Kev-Lag-Luam-Visa